Embarrassingly Failed Attempts by Canadian Pop Stars to be Sexy.

Ricky J – No Means No

A truly foul song that could better be described as “The Date Rape Song.” Somehow the song’s protagonist thinks that the bored-sounding female who keeps turning him down will change her mind as he begs her to “hit it” and “get up in it.”

More confusing is his pleading with his… intended victim that “I can do it for a minute, girl.” A minute? Really? That’s all he can do? That’s just pathetic.

While Ricky himself could be kinda cute, with that gettup he looked more like a flasher. Hope the girl kicked him in the balls.

 

Tu – Stay With Me

Two twin sisters, Amanda and Cassandra. Now, they could sing… and they actually wrote most of the songs. Had they lived in England, their songs would have been given to Sheena Easton to sing and they all would have made bank. Unfortunately, they lived in Canada and someone thought… “let’s give them poodle hair, hooker dresses and boxing gloves. Oh and light them from below like in a horror movie and make it rain on them. That will look GREAT in the video.”

It didn’t.

Note the one dance move at 1:02 that almost looks like Amanda is about to give Cassandra a rim job.

 

more disaster pieces after the jump…

Alanis – Too Hot

Back then she didn’t have a last name and was still being raped (statutorily, not legitimately) by some man about whom she’d write her biggest hits. But seeing her 15 year-old self jumping around in a bra and open jacket with men old enough to be the guy “You Oughta Know” and “Hands Clean” were written about still gives me the creeps.

 

Carol Medina – You Don’t Know Where My Lips Have Been

Instead of sounding sultry and provocative, as was the assumed intention, the title of the song sounds more like a warning from the Center for Disease Control.

I once heard a DJ on the radio jokingly refer to it as “you don’t know what’s been in my mouth.” Carol herself actually could sing and did have a couple of good pop songs. This isn’t one of them.

 

Shania Twain – Man I Feel Like A Woman (1998 Grammys)

Country blowhad Steve Earle saw this underwear commercial and proclaimed Shania Twain to be the highest-paid lap dancer in the world. It was hard to disagree. Wearing hip boots, a dog collar, enough eye makeup to make her look like a Raccoon and a body sock that she’d hocked up her thighs so high that I smelled fish, Shania stood there in front of a baffled audience as she spread her legs more and more, bent them more and more and leaned back more and more.

 

It started to look less like a musical performance and more like a gynecological exam. Check her stance at 2:13.

 

Shania was never really a singer, she was a super model who made records to help promote her sponsors (Revlon). Her signature product was called “Liquid Lip.” If the video above doesn’t make you feel like you need a hazmat suit, the name of the product will.

 

B44 – Get Down

A very regrettable Canadian boy band. They single-handedly explained why the Canadian music industry sucked. surpassing the cynical, calculated and manufactured Play-Doh of British “boy bands,” B44 was beyond plastic and their music sounded like a computer begging for help.

Don’t even get me started on the vaguely racist video that seems to suggest that people are only poor or homeless because they haven’t imagined themselves as anything else. And when a young black boy dreams, he dreams of being a pimp.

There’s also a line about how “Tonight I’m going to make you come.” (and after a pause, the unrelated third member points out “…over to my house,” which I guess is there the blowjob is going to take place.)

The most cringe-worthy part of this wasn’t that this was a song about offering to blow your friend if he’ll blow you back. Or that it was sung by TWIN BROTHERS. Or that they looked like Phyllis Diller after too many Crisco enemas. No.. it was that they debuted at a GIRL SCOUT SLEEP OVER at a baseball stadium and yes, they sang the song about offering to suck your brother’s dick.

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