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Shut Up, Jasun: Highway To The Comfort Zone Edition

It doesn’t matter how much he loves you… if you’re not comfortable having sex without condoms, you don’t. Stand firm on that. You’re protecting him and you. And You. Your health is your responsibility and you have to make the decisions about how you’ll protect yourself. If he can’t accept that… he’s going to have to learn to.

CNN “Reporter” and professional bimbo Rachel Crane can’t fit the iPhone into the front pocket of her work-inappropraite pants.

Yes, before anyone else says it, it’s very sexist to make fun of dumber-than-average women by calling them Bimbo. YOU try to make it through this excruciating fluff piece by Rachel Crane without thinking it. I dare you.

In this baffling “news” story, Ms. Crane entertains us with many close-ups of her butt and crotch as she tries very very hard to squeeze an iPhone 6 and iPhone 6+ into the front pocket. Funny enough on its own, the act is made funnier by the skank jeans that are so tight she has trouble walking in them for the gratuitous butt shot.

Does she really wear those things to work?

She struggles with the phone in a way you generally only see frustrated house wives struggle with a Saran Wrap roll in informercials.

By the end, Rachel has decided on the iPhone 6 because she doesn’t wear cargo pants or something.

Honestly, I thought all the bubble-headed blondes were working at Fox.

Gay Characters in otherwise Straight Movies Checklist.

Gay Characters in otherwise Straight Movies Checklist:

  1. Gay character is clinically depressed but still manages to entertain everyone by bursting out in song and dance. Extra points for using a song that gay people generally don’t like but straight people are embarrassed to admit they do. A good example of this would be the closeted gay brother in The Breakup making everyone at a dinner table sing “Owner Of A Lonely Heart” or the open gay best friend making everyone sing “Say A Little Prayer” in My Best Friend’s Wedding.
  2. Gay character must appear in drag at least once. Failing this, must snap their fingers or give a really prissy laugh at something that isn’t really that funny.
  3. Gay character must let straight acquaintance pressure him into some manly sporting activity so we can laugh at what a wuss and how non-athletic he is. (In this case, mountain climbing)
  4. Gay character preferably lives in Los Angeles or other gay Mecca but has a failed love life and career.
  5. Should contain scene where Gay character bursts into tears. He appears weak for doing so.
  6. Must contain scene where straight person burst into tears and is supported by gay character who cheers them up with very wise, insightful comments and Chicken Soup for the Soul. Still somehow manages to be the weak one in this interaction.
  7. Gay character can’t be too good looking or in very good shape. Preferably juxtaposed by much more fit and attractive straight guy.
  8. We must spend most of our time laughing at or feeling sorry for gay character.
  9. Folk Rock song over end credits.
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My September 11th Ritual: God Hates Us All

Morbid as it may be, my first impulse when people mention “September 11th” is to grab my copy of God Hates Us All by Slayer. It’s how I spend the day every year. Playing it over and over. It really is a good album.

That morning was pretty normal. I was working in purchasing for HMV, a huge international record chain that never really broke into the US market before music retail chains became a thing of the past. I worked at the flagship store in downtown Toronto and we had just gotten out of our Tuesday new release meeting and were trying to guess which of the two major new releases that day would sell more.

One was the new Mariah Carey offering “Glitter” which, if you didn’t know what it said, kind of looked like it was titled “Gutter.” We all agreed that it was a downright noxious album of horrible songs that would accompany her equally horrible movie of the same name (“Glitter,” not “Gutter”).

The other was the new album by venerable metal band Slayer. The album was called “God Hates Us All” and featured two different album covers since the first one that featured a bible, nailed shut and bleeding, was deemed a bit too “offensive” for some markets. I predicted Slayer’s album would sell more. I bought three copies of it myself. The Japanese import, the Canadian release with the censored cover and the blood-red vinyl.

When we got out of the meeting, staff on the main floor were all a bit worked up over a movie playing on the screens throughout the store. It looked like a bad Michael Bay movie. Before long, the chatter filtered up to us that this was NOT, in fact, a movie but live footage of the World Trade Center in New York where “someone” had “flown a plane into one of the towers.”

We all just assumed “some drunk billionaire in his Cessna” or something along those lines.

We crowded around the VJ booth at the back of the store where the music and video were played so we could watch it on the screen live. We had started to become a bit flippant about it and said “Hope the money wasn’t seriously hurt.”

We then all watched while the second plane hit and in one moment realized exactly how far off we were from that first assumption that this was a minor, random accident.

Without much news or information available… speculation started. Then panic. Confusion. Complete bewilderment at what was going on. A few minutes later I sat on the floor of my office listening to the radio and trying to absorb it all. Before long, reports of a third plane in Washington DC and possibly a fourth “near Pittsburgh” came in. Reports of “taking out radio communication in New York” and “gunfire in the streets” and “terrorist groups attacking in Chicago” had started. Of course most of that was bullshit but by that point it was hard to not believe anything.

Not unlike the movies you see of people crowding around the TVs in store windows to watch news about the Kennedy Assassination, people stood around in the front area of the store watching the video on the screens. Some would blankly say “my son is in New York right now” and I remember taking a mother in my arms telling her not to panic. One man told us that most of the tall buildings in downtown Toronto had been evacuated just in case…

Of course we were only in shock and disbelief for so long. Canadians were just separated and isolated enough from it all that we still remember it like a movie. We may have known people there but it all still seemed unreal. Of course Canadian conservatives and anyone desperate enough to paint Canada as “important” on the world’s stage would warn us about the “terrorists coming for us in Toronto” and tell us to “imagine the CN Tower smoking like that.”

Most of us rolled our eyes at the absurdity of a spindly concrete tower “smoking” and the catty answers we’d throw back were “the terrorists won’t attack Toronto, their mothers all live here” or “let’s hang a target on the east side of the tower and see if we can get them to knock it into the Skydome and take out TWO eyesores at once!”

Canadians have always had belligerent senses of humor and even something as horrific as the September 11th attacks wasn’t going to take that away.

One of my most chilling souvenirs was the poster advertising the new Slayer album. It featured the bloody bible, nailed shut with “Slayer: God Hates Us All – September 11th, 2001.” How’s that for a bit fucked up?

So… that’s my ritual. I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I don’t believe in “god” so it’s not like I take much from that message. But when the news hits every year… I go right to my vinyl wall and haul out my copy. It’s spinning on my turntable right now.

Kinda freaky, really.

Sick Like Me.

The new In This Moment track. Their 2013 album “Blood” was one of my favorites. Glad they’re already back.

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Why Do Men Get Erections In The Morning? | IFLScience

Since my newest Titanmen movie Morning Wood is out… I figured this was topical.

Morning glories, or nocturnal penile tumescence (NPT) as they are correctly called, are spontaneous erections that occur during sleep or while waking up. All blokes without erectile dysfunction are graced with them and they normally occur around three to five timesduring sleep.

NPT actually starts in uteroor in the womb (seriously), and continues throughout life. If it’s any consolation, men aren’t completely alone—women also get clitoral erections and vaginal engorgement during sleep, and various nonhuman mammals also get NPT.

Keep Reading.

Why Do Men Get Erections In The Morning? | IFLScience.

 

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and if you lose yourself… I will find you.

I have discovered the joy of young adult sic-fi. Yeah, there’s a lot of teenage angst and hormones in it but that’s half the fun. I’ve always been a fan of the dystopian future fiction so throw in a bit of angry young men and I’m THERE.

If you haven’t read any… I can make a few suggestions. Of course The Hunger Games books you’ve heard of. And the Divergent books. Probably the Maze Runner series.

You can also check out Z by my buddy Michael Thomas Ford and if you want some self-published gay young adult sci-fi, check out the Degan Series. Those are kinda goofy but in a fun, rather sweet way.

Anyway… I just picked up the Divergent soundtrack which, to my joy… is a double picture disc vinyl. So… even better.